Use Your Editor

When caught off guard, most of us "react" to what is being said to us. Take off your boxing gloves; assertive communicators don't react, they respond appropriately. When you activate your editor, you guarantee you won't say something that you'll regret later.

E valuate
D ecide
I nquire
T hink
O bserve
R espond

Evaluate--the environment and level of emotion you and the other person are feeling.
Decide--if it is the appropriate time and place to handle the situation.
Inquire--ask a "what" question; never a "why" question. "What makes you say that?" not "Why did you say that?" Why questions put us on the defensive; what questions make us think about facts.
Think--try to stay focused on facts to help resolve the situation. The first thing that comes to mind might not be the best thing to say.
Observe--the body language and response of the other person.
Respond--by time you've done all of the above, you've given yourself the chance to say the right thing.

Call People on Their "Stuff"

Silence = Permission

Each time we allow behavior that upsets us to continue, we are giving implicit permission for that behavior to continue. We have to confront individuals when they are violating our rights.

Three Step Confrontation Formula
Step 1. I "feel" (pick an emotion like upset, confused, angry)
Step 2. When you (describe the behavior; don't judge, just describe)
Step 3. Because (explain the consequences of the behavior)

Yes
I get upset when you interrupt me when I'm speaking because I lose my train of thought and often have to start over.

I'm uncomfortable when you stand behind me when I'm working because I make more mistakes when I feel like I'm being watched.

No
It's rude to interrupt me when I'm speaking. "Rude" is an interpretation/judgment of the behavior.

Don't be so impatient. I'll bring the report to you when it's finished. Again, "impatient" is a judgment of the behavior.

Conflict Resolution Choices

Make the Right Choice
Conflict is a normal part of everyday life. What we do about the conflict we encounter can make or break us.

Building relationships is essential to success. When conflict arises, we must first consider the importance of the relationship versus the the importance of the issue.

Win-Lose
In the win-lose scenario, we use power and authority to force someone to conform to our wishes. The issue is so important that we must sacrifice the relationship in order to succeed. Conflict arising from personal safety issues, violation of policies, legality, and ethics fall in this category.

Lose-Win
In lose-win, we are more concerned with maintaining a healthy relationship with the individual(s). The issue in not that important, so we let them "win." Think of this as losing the battle to win the war.

Lose-Lose
In the lose-lose scenario, both the issue and the relationship are important. Both parties in the conflict must give up something of importance in order to reach a resolution to the conflict. Neither side leaves the situation feeling good about it.

Win-Win
The best method for resolving conflict and gaining cooperation is to think win-win. In other words, we look for a solution that is of mutual benefit to both parties.

Say "No" Assertively

Four Step Script

1. Acknowledge the request.
2. Say "no."
3. Explain why, without making excuses.
4. Discuss options; negotiate.


Example One
Randy, I understand you'd like me to finish the presentation today. I'm not able to do that because I have the month end report, ABC's contract, and the training roster to complete. That will take me through the end of today. I know Cindy isn't busy today; can she do it for you?


Example Two
Cass, I know you promised to bring cookies to class tomorrow. I can't bake them tonight because I have to finish my presentation for tomorrow's meeting. You have two options. One, you can bake them yourself, as long as the kitchen is as clean when you're done as it is now. Two, we can go to the bakery in the morning before school and pick some up. What do you want to do? If you had told me sooner, I could have baked them for you.